


Keep me conscious

by MagicClem



Series: Polyamorous Spies [2]
Category: Mission: Impossible, Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: (but nothing super gory don't worry), (unless you consider the free version of grammarly as a beta reader lmao), Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Established Relationship, Hospitals, Multi, Not Beta Read, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27994284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicClem/pseuds/MagicClem
Summary: If you ask spies about their job, they would all tell you that hospitals are pretty familiar places.Ilsa, Benji and Ethan know that better than anyone.
Relationships: Benji Dunn/Ethan Hunt, Benji Dunn/Ethan Hunt/Ilsa Faust, Benji Dunn/Ilsa Faust, Ilsa Faust/Ethan Hunt
Series: Polyamorous Spies [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2050344
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Keep me conscious

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I'm finaly back with a Mission Impossible fanfic! I've been thinking about writing this fic for a while and I'm glad it's finally done. 
> 
> Technically, it's a sequel to "Idiot in love" but it can be read on his own. I hope you guys will like it!
> 
> (Title from "Conscious" by Broods)

If you ask any self-respecting spy about their job, they will probably all have different answers about it, what they like about the job, what they do not like, what it’s like for them… But one thing will always tell you is that it’s a dangerous job and eventually, hospitals become familiar places. You get used to the bright light and the cheap coffee and the overpriced snacks and the smell of disinfectant. Of course, if you ask several spies, they will have different experiences with hospitals. 

If you ask Ethan Hunt about his hospital experience, he would tell you that for him, finishing a mission at the hospital is routine. It’s not always a matter of life or death, sometimes it’s just a sprained ankle or a few stitches but it would be dishonest of him to claim that it’s rarely for something serious. Ethan Hunt is very aware of the fact that he tends to run into dangerous situations without thinking about the consequences for himself because, he would argue, his job is to protect those who can’t protect themselves and he should do everything he can to do so. Benji and Ilsa would probably argue that he just lacks any kind of survival instinct though. 

If you ask Ilsa Faust, she would tell you that hospitals are normal but thankfully not always needed. She is capable of doing a job, even a dangerous one, without almost killing herself and if her boyfriend Ethan could take some note from her book, she wouldn’t mind. Because really, Ilsa Faust's biggest experience at the hospital after a job isn’t for any of _her_ injuries, it’s hours spent in a waiting room, holding the hand of her other boyfriend Benji, waiting for any sort of updates on Ethan. Of course, he always ends up being ok, the man seems to have an unlimited amount of lives and yet, it doesn’t stop the feeling of dread every time they are in a waiting room. It’s the kind of visceral fear, where a little voice in your head says _what if this time it was the end? What if he used his last life the previous time and we didn’t know? What if we lose him forever?_ But he always comes back. But if you ask Ilsa, this is the reason why she does not like hospitals. 

If you ask Benji Dunn, he would tell you that post-mission hospital visits are all about the anxiety of his partners being hurt. He barely ever gets any injury and when he does, it’s never serious, it will be dealt with in an hour at most. So if he is in a hospital, it’s because Ilsa or Ethan (most likely Ethan) are in danger and he has to be there and wait for an answer. That makes Benji all too familiar with a side of his partners that he would actually like to not be familiar with. Not that he minds knowing everything he needs to know about them, it’s just that, if he had to choose, “what they look like when we are both worried about where or not the love of our lives is going to die” is not the part he wants to know so well. But he does. He knows that Ilsa sits down quietly, holding his hand, trying not to show any sign of worry because _it’s Ethan, he will be okay_ . She is good at pretending to not be scared at all, Benji would believe it if it wasn’t for the look in her eyes that shows just how much she fears that this time, the outcome will be different. And he also knows how Ethan is when he is sick with worry, how frantic he gets. He paces around the room, will harass the doctor any kind of update and nothing can make him sit down for a second. He never says why it affects him that much, but Benji knows because Benji read his file long before they even became friends and because he knows Ethan better than most people (the only people who could claim to know him just as well are Ilsa and Luther). Benji knows about Prague and how Ethan lost his entire team in one night when he was still a young agent and this kind of event leaves a deep wound in someone. It makes Ethan incapable of leaving someone behind, even when it’s a detriment for the mission. It makes Ethan feel like he is the one responsible for them on the field and the one to blame if anything happens to them. It’s obvious that Ethan cares deeply about people in general and would be deeply worried if anything happened to them on his watch. When this person isn’t a random bystander or some agent but _Ilsa_ , the woman he loves, it’s not surprising that Ethan is incapable of staying in place and acts like a maniac. 

The thing that never happens is Benji being the one in the emergency room while Ethan and Ilsa wait for news in the waiting room. If you ask Benji why, he would tell you that it’s because he gets the least dangerous job all the time and it’s fine with him, because the least dangerous job is usually something related to tech or computer, which he excels at and when he does he job correctly, it’s also a less dangerous job for Ethan and Ilsa, which is a win-win scenario as far as he is concerned. If you ask Ethan or Ilsa, you would get a different answer. They would tell you that Benji is a good spy for sure, he is a decent shot and he can fight alright in one on one combat (maybe even against two people if the odds are in his favour). They would tell you he is the smartest person they have ever met and that his smart brain never ceases to amaze them on missions. They would tell you that he is the second-best hacker they have ever met and considering that the best is Luther, it’s a pretty damn good argument. They would sing his praise all day but they would also tell you that, in their team, he is usually the weakest one in the group. It’s not his fault, really, when you are in a team with Ethan “IMF legend” Hunt and Ilsa Faust, who is a one-woman army, you tend to be the weakest one by process of elimination (on that Benji would agree). So Ethan and Ilsa would tell you that they tend to pay attention to Benji on missions, to make sure he doesn’t end up in a situation he can’t handle. They trust him but it never hurts to be careful, not when a mistake means death. 

But sometimes, mistakes are made. And sometimes, they are inevitable because there is no other option. 

No one could tell you what happened that day. It happened too quickly and too fast. It’s the kind of moment where a small mistake was made at first but you can only see them as mistakes when it’s too late and everything went wrong. A retroactive mistake, impossible to see coming without seeing the future. And that one initial mistake creates other small mistakes and then bigger mistakes and by the time you realize that you are in deep trouble, it’s already too late to get yourself out of that situation. In other words, it’s a huge mess. 

No one could tell you what happened that day. What they know is that it looked like everything was going smoothly with the missions and suddenly, it was going really really bad. Like, “getting shot at bad”. 

Benji should have been fine. He had an easy job and he was in the van with Luther this time, because it was supposed to be an easy job for only 4 people and Benji and Luther were mission control. That’s probably why, when things went south, Ethan and Ilsa didn’t even think of paying attention to him, because he is in the van, where he should be the safest. 

It’s only when they are all in the car and Luther starts the engine and that the adrenaline goes down that they notice. At first, they are all breathing in relief in the back of the van and then, Ilsa looks at Benji, who is smiling but also looks pale and she looks down to his shirt and he is _bleeding_ . She freezes and her eyes go wide and that’s enough for everyone to notice the shift in her behaviour and to notice that she is staring at Benji with pure horror on her face. It’s enough for Benji to look down and touch his abdomen. When he looks at his hand, there is red on it, so much red, _too much red_. He starts to feel the pain then and he feels himself losing all his strength. Someone catches him, putting his head on their lap and stroking his hair, but he isn’t sure if it’s Ethan or Ilsa.

“Luther, we need to get to a hospital now!” someone says but Benji isn’t sure who. The world is strange right now, it’s quieter than it should be, he feels like he is underwater, still conscious that there is movement around him but it feels distant and hard to understand. The world feels smaller, like his field of view is narrower and the world feels blurry, like he forgot to put his glasses on, except he is not supposed to need glasses. He hears voices, telling him to _hang on_ and to _stay away_ and that he is going to be ok, but it’s all so distant, it’s hard to believe the voices are talking to him. He tries, he really does because he doesn’t know if it’s Ilsa who is talking or if it’s Ethan or if it’s both of them, but in any case, he tries because they are asking him to. But he feels very weak and tired and his eyes are closing against his will. The last thing he feels is something stroking his hair to reassure him, while someone else is pressing something on the wound, trying to prevent him from bleeding. And then, the world fades to black. 

In the history of rides to the hospital, no ride has ever been this long. Well, that’s probably blatantly untrue but it truly feels like it for Ethan and Ilsa. Ethan still has Benji’s head on his lap, altering between stroking his hair and making sure that he is still breathing. Ilsa is compressing the wound on his chest, trying to stop the bleeding, at least slowing it down as much as she can. Neither of them is religious but at this moment, both are praying to whoever is going to listen to them. _Just please, Benji has to live_ is the only thought existing in their brain at this moment. It’s a new scenario, Benji in the emergency room, in the hands of doctors and at the mercy of fate while Ethan and Ilsa wait in the waiting room. It’s new and they hate this. They never really realized how Benji’s presence grounded them. Benji is nervous, they know that well, but there is something calming about the way he deals with those things. No matter how stressed and scared he is, he will always be sitting, trying to stay calm, the bouncing of his leg betraying the worry he is trying so hard to hide. He will hold Ilsa’s hand and now that this presence isn’t there, all the fear that Ilsa usually controls so well is all over the place and she feels frantic in the way she never did before. Ethan is the opposite way, he is usually the frantic one, showing his worry for the whole world to see but every time he feels it overwhelm him, Benji is there, ready to hug him or touch him or talk to him and make him feel calmer. That presence is gone now and all he has left is fear paralyzing his entire being in a way he hates, in a way that reminds him of Prague too much for his liking. He can’t turn around like an animal in a cage, all he can do is sit and try to make himself function again, which he can’t because _Benji isn’t here_. 

They wait. They wait an hour, then two and then, they stop counting. Time doesn’t really matter because they are waiting for what feels like forever and nothing happens. Ilsa asks for update every time a nurse appears (which they do less and less and Ilsa hopes it’s because she is annoying the fuck out of them and not for any other reasons), Ethan still hasn’t moved except to look at the nurse every time Ilsa asks for an update. Safe to say, they are not coping really well. 

After hours of going insane in that waiting room, a doctor comes to them with updates. 

“He is going to be ok,” he says before they even have time to ask. They both feel themselves getting better in an instant. “He lost a lot of blood but we were able to stabilize him. He was really lucky, the bullet didn’t touch anything important. He is still asleep but he should wake up soon.”

“Can we see him?” Ethan asks. It's the first words he is capable of saying in hours.

“Of course, follow me.”

Benji is laying on a bed. His eyes are close and from afar, it could almost look like he was peacefully sleeping if it weren’t for the machine he is connected to. When they get closer, they can see that he looks paler than usual and he has dark circles under his eyes. He looks tired. But he looks alive and that is the most beautiful thing he could look like right now. He has a nasal cannula, which is actually quite reassuring: both Ethan and Ilsa had been in the hospital enough time to know that when it’s bad, you have to be intubated. If he doesn’t need more than the nasal cannula, it probably means that it’s not too bad. Ethan takes a chair on a side of the bed and Ilsa takes one on the other side. They both grab one of his hands. And they wait. 

At some point, Ilsa falls asleep. She looks exhausted so Ethan isn’t really surprised. Her head is on the bed and her hand is still holding Benji. Ethan can’t sleep though. Rationally, he knows that Benji will be alright but a part of him tells him that he can’t be sure, not until Benji wakes up. That part of him tells him to stay awake and wait and so, Ethan stays awake and waits. 

Ethan has been awake for so long that even though he does not want to sleep, he feels himself falling. It’s been hours and Benji is still asleep. Nothing to worry about, he knows that but he is tired as well. He is fighting against sleep and he feels himself losing, his eyes closing against his will when he feels his hand being weakly squeezed and suddenly, Ethan feels very awake. He notices Ilsa waking up instantly, so he knows he didn’t imagine it and they both turn towards Benji. They see him slowly open his eyes. 

The first thing Benji sees when he opens his eyes is a bright light. It’s so bright that it hurts and Benji closes his eyes right away. The first things Benji feels when he wakes up are pain and two hands holding his hands. Slowly, he opens his eyes again, letting himself get used to the light. In front of him, he sees Ethan and Ilsa, both looking at him with such relief in his eyes that he takes him a moment to realize that they were worried about _him_ because he was _shot_ and he is now laying in the hospital. 

“You’re awake,” Ethan says with a huge grin. He kisses the corner of his lips, one time, two times, a thousand times, clearly happy to see him. At some point, Ilsa joins in. 

“We were worried about you,” she says. 

“Well, that was bound to happen at some point,” Benji remarks. Ethan and Ilsa look at him with a death glare that would scare him if he didn’t know them better. Instead, it makes him chuckle, which he regrets immediately because it intensifies the pain on his abdomen. 

“Seriously Benji,” Ethan says, “we were so worried. You lost a lot of blood and…” he doesn’t finish the sentence, probably not even knowing how to express the fact that they almost lost him. 

“I’m ok,” Benji says. “Nothing to worry about.”

“We could have lost you,” Ilsa says, her voice sounding weak, the weakest Benji has ever heard. 

He doesn’t say anything, because really, what is there to say? He could tell them that it’s the job, it’s the life they have chosen for themselves, one where they always risk to lose each other brutally and suddenly. He could tell them that but they know, they all know too well the risk that they take willingly. They could make promises, telling him that he won’t happen again and that they will protect him but they won’t. They won’t because that’s a promise they can’t keep and everyone here knows that. He could continue this serious discussion about almost dying and how worried they were but they both look exhausted. Benji doesn’t like it. 

“Well, don’t worry, I don’t plan on making that a habit, it’s painfully uncomfortable. I don’t know how you can keep ending up in this position Ethan, it’s the worst.” 

His tone is teasing and it seems to work because Ethan and Ilsa’s faces soften and they seem to relax a bit. That was the plan. Ethan and Ilsa, they take care of him, they protect him, they would burn the world down to make sure that not a single hair on his head was hurt. Benji can’t do that, not like them anyway, but he takes care of them in his own way. He can keep them grounded when they get into their own head. He can make them smile. He can make sure they are ok. He likes taking care of them that way. He likes to see Ilsa's playful smile and Ethan’s soft chuckle when he says he can’t promise anything. 

“I love you,” he says to them both.

They smile. “We love you too,” they answer back. 

They snuggle next to him, even if the bed is too small for that. He feels warm and loved. They both fall asleep, Ethan’s head in the crook of his neck and Ilsa’s head on his chest and he feels his heart burst with love for them. He also feels tired, so he follows them to sleep shortly after.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you guys liked it! 
> 
> This work was more or less not beta read (like I said in the tag, it was "beta read" by grammarly lmao). English isn't my first language so if you notice any mistake, please let me know, I'll fix them. 
> 
> As always, comments are appreciated :D


End file.
